A writing exercise
It's not as if I'm a tough guy to get along with. Plenty of people have said just how easy it is to get along with me. I got friends, and I never get thrown out of parties, though I go to plenty. So why is it so damn hard to live with a cat?
The cat's not really that bad, as cats go. He's an orange tabby I call Buster. He's fixed so he doesn't spray or yowl, and he doesn't even shred the furniture, unlike some cats I've had. We get along pretty well for a primate and a feline in a small place, but every once in a while, Buster just drives me nuts.
Take last weekend for example. I'm sitting in the living room, trying to work on a crossword puzzle. My job isn't that challenging if you know what I mean, and so I like to do the one in the Sunday paper. It's not the Times, that's not for me. Anyway, I'm trying to concentrate on a seven-letter word, second letter 'n', that means "antediluvian", when I notice this noise. It's kind of raspy and short, but keeps starting and stopping. I put my pen down and listen. My girlfriend's in the kitchen, reading the People pullout or something. She's over for the weekend, and we'll go out in the afternoon. We both like sleeping in on Sunday and having a relaxed morning where we don't do anything except read the paper. That's my crossword time. Plus she and Buster are friends, so she likes to visit him too. Anyway, she must be hearing it also, so I call out:
"Hey, what's that noise?"
"What noise?" she replies. It's silent now.
"I thought I heard licking. Is Buster eating something?"
"No."
But the way she says it doesn't sound like no, it sounds like she's slipped something to him. I get up and go to the kitchen. Buster's just leaving the room as I go in. He's got something white on his whiskers. Oh, she gave him some milk.
Anyway, I'm hungry now, so I go to the refrigerator. It's pretty empty in there. "Where's my yogurt?" I ask her. She points to the floor, where there's an empty container.
"Oh holy balls! You gave my yogurt to Buster?"
"I thought it would be a nice treat for him."
"A nice treat? You know that's what I snack on."
"Well, we'll get you some more when we go out."
Arrrgh. She is not getting it. "Look, Buster gets cat food. The yogurt's for me. It's people food. Otherwise wouldn't there be some yuppie line of Yogurt for Cats?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake! It's just a thing of yogurt!"
Suddenly it hits me that there's no word for a unit of yogurt. A container? A cup? A yugnit? I start laughing.
"What's so funny?"
A unurt? A yogerg?
I try to tell her but I'm laughing too hard now.
"You better tell me, or I'm gonna take this container and cram it up your ass sideways!"
I manage to choke it out. Her eyes get wider for a moment and then she starts laughing too.
Later we go out and get a double yogurt sundae, laughing the whole time.
Last updated 2 June 2000
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All contents ©1997-2002 Mark L. Irons