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>Return-Path:
>Date: Tue, 20 Aug 1996 10:40:40 -0700 (PDT)
>From:
>To: jsexton
>Subject: rules for inexperienced cats (fwd)
>
>
>
> RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS
>
>GENERAL RULES
>
>Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind
>legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to
use
>it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and
out
>and think about several things. This is particularly important during very
>cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. (Swinging doors are to be
>avoided at all costs.)
>
>If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time,
>get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When
>throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as
the
>human's foot.
>
>If a human is home alone at night, become especially vigilant. Stare off
into
>space as if you hear something strange. Staring out a window into the dark
is
>especially effective. But be sure to look at the human occasionally with an
>expression of horror on your face.
>
>SPECIFIC RULES
>
>GUESTS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
>anything. Just sit and stare.
>
>Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap all evening. The guest
>won't dare push you off and will call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange
to
>have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
>
>For guests who say, "I love kitties" be ready with aloof disdain to apply
claws
>to stockings or apply a quick nip on the ankles.
>
>If a guests sits on a lawn chair, reach up between the slats of the chair
and
>slash them a good one on the butt. This gets their attention.
>
>HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the
>other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise
>known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
>
>a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You
> cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
> then picked up and comforted.
>
>b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
> unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
>c. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate
> manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most
important
> part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or
> knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you. Ignore it.
> Remember, the aim is to hamper work. (Quilts, embroidery and
needlepoint
> projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.)
>
>d. For humans paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
> Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to hamper!
> First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
from
> the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on
the
> papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed
> for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one
at a
> time.
>
>e. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on
> the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled.
>
>WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front
>of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms,
in
>the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
>coordination skills.
>
>BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
>
>PLAY: This is an important part of your life. It is important, though, to
>maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during
>play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as
if
>to say, "I MEANT to do that!" It fools humans every time. Below are listed
>several favorite cat games:
>
>a. "Catch Mouse." The humans would have you believe that those lumps under
> the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually
> Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world,
> though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that
only
> the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive
under
> the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed
Mouse!
>
>b. "King of the Hill." This game must be played with at least one other
cat.
> The more the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303
> which must be defended at all cost from the other cat(s). Anything
goes.
> This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must
take
> the unstable playing theater into account.
>
>* WARNING * Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
>from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow
restless,
>immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some
time
>until they fall asleep again. If one of you happens to be on a human when
this
>occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
>
>* IMPORTANT NOTE * Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for
>playing at night. Between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M. is a good choice for
recreation.
>Make it a point to be especially loud. Humans are very attentive during
these
>play sessions. (If your humans are shift workers who sleep during the day,
you
>will have to adjust your schedule accordingly.)
>
>TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
it,
>this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably
>outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it
is
>put so that you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are
dresser
>tops and wastebaskets.
>
>There are several types of cat toys. Bright, shiny things like keys,
brooches,
>or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with
>them. They are generally good for playing hockey on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly
>and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental
>floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to
drag
>them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a
>newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should
be
>killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to
>make you lose your Dignity.
>
>* NOTE * Mouse traps do NOT make good toys! This is a sure-fired way to
lose
>your Dignity.
>
>PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and
>camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But
you
>can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the
bag.
>Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
>Note: Any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game
>for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
>
>FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must
eat.
>Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food.
>Cats have two ways to obtain food: Convincing a human you are starving to
>death and must be fed "NOW," and hunting for it oneself. The following are
>guidelines for getting fed:
>
>a. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in
> their dishes when they are not looking.
>
>b. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
>
>c. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough
to
> drink from.
>
>d. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to
> attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually not
be so
> polite and will try to leave.
>
>e. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
> unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
> outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
> techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
> These include, but are not limited to, jumping onto the lap of the
> "softest" human and purring loudly, lying down in the doorway between
the
> dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around
people's
> legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
>
>SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a
>cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a
>comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
>especially if it contracts with your fur coat. It it's in a sunbeam or near
a
>heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also
>exist outdoor, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on
>current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a
good
>compromise.
>
>SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the
humans
>may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property
and
>will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being
>sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very
>observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your
claws
>on a human is a definite no-no!
>
>CHILDREN: Children are miniature humans and must be handled with great care
>and caution. Don't let their size fool you; they are dangerous. A small
child
>is oblivious to pain and may endure severe scratching and mauling to
accomplish
>its goals. Play with children only when an adult human is in attendance;
>otherwise you will be subjected to a number of Indignities, including, but
not
>limited to, being covered in toothpaste as the child attempts to brush your
>teeth, being bathed in a toilet, and/or being shut in a room or closet
>indefinitely.
>
>* VERY IMPORTANT NOTE * Regardless of the circumstances, if you bite or claw
a
>child YOU will be held responsible. Adult humans always take the child's
side.
>
>ADULT HUMANS: Adult humans have three primary functions: To feed us, to
play
>with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is
important to
>maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who
is
>in charge of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. It isn't easy,
but
>they can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then
have a
>smooth-running household.
>
>compromise.
>
>SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the
humans
>may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property
and
>will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being
>sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very
>observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your
claws
>on a human is a definite no-no!
>
>CHILDREN: Children are miniature humans and must be handled with great care
>and caution. Don't let their size fool you; they are dangerous. A small
child
>is oblivious to pain and may endure severe scratching and mauling to
accomplish
>its goals. Play with children only when an adult human is in attendance;
>otherwise you will be subjected to a number of Indignities, including, but
not
>limited to, being covered in toothpaste as the child attempts to brush your
>teeth, being bathed in a toilet, and/or being shut in a room or closet
>indefinitely.
>
>* VERY IMPORTANT NOTE * Regardless of the circumstances, if you bite or claw
a
>child YOU will be held responsible. Adult humans always take the child's
side.
>
>ADULT HUMANS: Adult humans have three primary functions: To feed us, to
play
>with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is
important to
>maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who
is
>in charge of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. It isn't easy,
but
>they can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then
have a
>smooth-running household.
>
>
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